Between my own personal reading and various book clubs, I’ve read a LOT of personal growth or “self help” books. I can’t tell you how many times in those books I’ve been told to “let go of everything that doesn’t serve you.” At first, I understood the sentiment. I mean after all, it IS a “personal growth/self help” book. It’s all about making myself better, right? As if that is even possible! Even before I really put a lot of thought into it, this instruction didn’t quite sit right in my mind. Something about the “serve you” part made me feel just a little uncomfortable. I had to ask myself: Is it really all about what serves me? I wouldn’t have had any problem if I had been told “Let go of anything that is unhelpful,” but something about letting go of everything that doesn’t serve me made me cringe just a bit. The more I thought about it, the more I noticed that phrase (or its cousin) is in almost every personal growth book I’ve read. It kept niggling at my brain until I finally had to sit down and think it through from a Biblical perspective.

First of all, and most obvious, as Christians we are called to serve God and serve others. Romans 12 speaks to the gifts we have been given and how to use them.  Verses 10-13 specifically tell us to “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality” (ESV, emphasis mine). This certainly doesn’t sound like letting go of everything that doesn’t serve me. It sounds a whole lot like focusing on how to serve God and serve others. 

Frequently, the “let go of everything that doesn’t serve you” phrase is used in the context of reframing our thoughts. I really do understand this idea. In fact, I don’t completely disagree with it in this context…except for that little word ‘serve’. I do believe that if I consistently think negative thoughts about myself, it will have detrimental effects in my life. I think that there is a lot of value in being very intentional in my thoughts. Second Corinthians 10:5 speaks to this: “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ” (ESV). But again, this speaks to using our thoughts to obey Christ, not to serve ourselves. Philippians 4:8 tells us “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things” (ESV).  A great book on this subject is Get Out Of Your Head by Jennie Allen.

Another problem with “letting go” of thoughts is that it is very difficult to just let a thought go. Have you ever tried to actually let go of a thought? The following example gets used all the time…for good reason.  If I tell you to “let go” of any thought about pink elephants, what are you immediately going to think about? Yep, pink elephants. Instead of letting thoughts go, we need to replace them. The mind doesn’t function very well in a vacuum. We need to fill it with something. Philippians 4:8 is pretty clear about God’s plan for our thoughts.

Interestingly though, this idea of getting rid of thoughts, people and anything else that doesn’t serve us has very ancient roots in Eastern mysticism. It ties into the idea of detachment. The basis of Eastern and New Age meditation is based on the same idea of detachment. Basically, the goal is to empty your mind of all thoughts and detach from everything around you, until you connect to a state of pure consciousness. It is very centered on one’s self, and promotes solitude and detachment from society and community. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against solitude. I believe that the Christian benefits from solitude as well. In the case of Christianity though, solitude serves as a time to pray and spend time ‘filling up’ with God. I am also a firm proponent of Christian meditation, which may involve intentional focus on a particular part of Scripture, or communing with our Lord in prayer. When a Christian meditates, the goal should not be to detach from community and “empty oneself,” but to deepen one’s relationship with God and be filled with the Holy Spirit.  

One other thought about community vs. detachment: we worship a triune God. By definition, our God has been in community for eternity. Without community, there is no love. Love cannot take place in isolation. Since God is love (1 John 4:8), He must be in community. Above all, we are called to love God and love one another. Therefore, I do not believe that detachment from community is actually the goal of humanity, nor do I think that it should be a goal in the Christian’s life. Our goal should be to fill our minds with the things of God and to be in community with one another.

This instruction to “let go of everything that doesn’t serve you” is also used to encourage us to let go of toxic relationships, or anyone/anything that doesn’t make us happy or bring us joy.  Believe me, I’m all about getting rid of excess junk around my house. Poor Marie Kondo, the woman responsible for many of us finally getting rid of our “junk drawers,” she has now become a verb, as in “I’m Marie Kondo-ing my garage today.” But, cleaning out our messy hall closet is a little different than detaching from our community so that we can seek some sort of solitary enlightenment.  

Regarding the idea of letting go of toxic relationships, I do not believe that we are called to stay in a harmful relationship. If your safety is at risk, you need to put some space between you and the threat. Please ask a loved one or an authority for help if you are in this situation. I also believe that boundaries are healthy and necessary. Sometimes we need to create some very firm boundaries, which can be done in a loving way. Unfortunately, this sometimes means using some tough love and limiting your contact with another person who is not able to engage in a healthy relationship. If you need help with this, I highly recommend seeking Christian counseling.  I also found the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend to  be very helpful. My point though, is that as Christians we are called to be in community, not to detach from the rest of humanity.

Finally, I just really don’t think the world is here to serve me (even though I may have acted like it on occasion).  The Bible is pretty clear about this.  Philippians 2:3 “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” (ESV).  We should not seek detachment, we should be in community, just as God is in community.  When we love and serve each other, we are being obedient to God.  Rather than letting go of everything that doesn’t serve me, I think I should be striving to let go of everything that doesn’t serve and glorify the Lord.